Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.