If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Danger is very dangerous
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.