I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
asking santa clause for nudes
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
How is it still this week?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
me before I type out affect or effect
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.