Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket