*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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They did not think through this water fountain
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills