nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Bit chilly again tonight.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
They also CAN sing✌️
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My daily affirmation
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.