“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.