I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
This fish is cracking me up
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT