[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.