His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.