Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court