8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
If looks could kill
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
How to wake up a Beagle
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.