Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
*has no idea what a book even is*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
bout dat hot dog summer
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach