ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.