In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
How to make infinite energy.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My what?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
This kid is going places
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.