Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing