Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
You Might Also Like
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.