Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking