[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.