I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*