me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker