During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.