I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
You Might Also Like
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.