…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.