At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The options really are this bad
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.