Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?