Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.