Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Phonetics
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.