The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
oh my god
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”