HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.