#polloftheday
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
They’re not wrong
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.