Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
You Might Also Like
The glockness monster
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
next level snooze
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.