Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.