8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”