Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
You Might Also Like
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to