Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back