I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You Might Also Like
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Merica.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I mean…but I did
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄