I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.