A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
The point of your 20s
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Become ungovernable.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.