“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*