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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”