Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.