Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
You Might Also Like
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down