Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat