When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider