I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
You Might Also Like
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*ernest hemingway voice*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I hate my earbuds.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.