( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.