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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I falcon love using swear birds
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.