Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.