I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes